north 7th

Where it all begins…my thoughts….my pain…my dreams…

Im Tired…..

4 Comments

What’s good family? Its your boy Big EL! Man, I can’t even begin to tell you how tired I am. How absolutely exhausted that I am. How drained, mentally and emotionally that I am. And it seems that there are moments where I am more tired than anything else or that my tiredness is, mo tired than usual. LOL! I had a conversation with my daughter today and she said to me “Daddy, your eyes look tired!” My reply to her was “ Well, we did have a blizzard and I spent a lot of time shoveling and such.” We usually ask each other, “You good?”. Which is our way of checking in with one another during our Daddy/Daughter time. We let each other know where we are and have our deep conversations. We then take turns sharing our stories.

But tonight I sat back and began to think. I began to think about all the things that I’ve done here lately. Now, this is not some passive aggressive, humble, fake, false brag type of thing. I’ve done a lot. A LOT! In the past five years I’ve hosted two different, popular radio shows. I’ve hosted numerous events in the community. I’m an active presence on four social media platforms, where I spend an enormous amount of my time breaking down, giving people constructive and accurate information in regards to the plight of African American society. Along with any other issues that I feel the need to address in an intelligent manner.

So here we are, and I’m just going to stay here in this five year period. I walked out of the church about five years ago. I walked out of the pulpit intending to start ministry for the people that don’t attend church for whatever their reasons are. They may be hurt, disillusioned, afraid, hungry for Christ or they may not even know Christ. For whatever the reason I was feeling driven to leave. To the point where I knew that it was going to cost me some very valuable things. It cost me, what I deemed at that time, vital friendships with people that I still consider brothers and sisters in Christ. I just don’t consider them friends anymore. But at that time, I depended on them and they depended on me. It cost me relationships with family members whom at one point we were thick as thieves. Now, its no where close to that. The love remains but the friendship is not there. I knew that it was going to cost me to do that. I knew it was going to cost me to walk out of the church and to begin on this new journey.

It just so happened that I stumbled across what i now affectionately and firmly consider my family, The Church Folk Revolution. CFR, were and are a group of people that love the Lord but, are fed up and tired of all the foolishness that goes on in today’s institutionalized church. I had a conversation with a brother named, TJ, I told him that I’ve always had a dream of doing radio. I’ve always desired to have a platform where I can talk to people and teach. I began to share with him some of my testimony/story of my childhood and church experience. He in turn told me that I have the platform if I need it. He gave me a show, where for the past 4 years I’ve done a radio show without ever having to pay a dime. I only had to be consistent in the ministry and that is what I’ve done. But I’m tired.

So in the midst of all that, Trayvon Martin is killed. It wasn’t just the fact of Trayvon being murdered but, the manner in which he was killed. You know when you see people in the woods on TV, if you’ve ever been a camper, I’m not a camper and I’m not about that woods life, and you see people trying to get a fire started. They look around for wood or kindling and such to get the fire started. They need the spark to just begin the fire process. They begin to blow and the flames kick up and pick up. My older brother Chad being murdered by the police here in Coatesville, PA was the gathering of the kindling. Trayvon’s murder was the spark. The perpetual cycle of violence, injustice,miseducation and a host of other things that I became aware of as I researched the problem for the root for why the hell black people were enduring, what we were enduring, how we were enduring and for how damn long we were enduring. That steady research was me blowing on the flames. I’m tired.

So I began a journey where I was doing Church Folk Revolution Radio and Real Talk Radio specifically and I began doing a local radio show CVoice radio. Which is named for my hometown of Coatesville, PA is my home. So I ‘m doing this show CVoice, The Forum, on Thursday night, Real Talk Radio on Sundays, working a full time job, spending time with family and being a Dad.

I’m tired. People who know me know that it’s hard for me to not be doing something. Right before I did this message here, I was setting up meetings for Monday, sending out emails for tomorrow’s meeting. All the while I’m thinking one thing, Elgin its time for a break bruh! It’s time for a break. Now, a break for you might be doing nothing but, a break for me is cutting back on doing what I’m doing. I’m no longer going to be a full time host on RTR. That show is in more than capable hands with those brothers. My brothers. Love them cats dearly. Cvoice Radio is supposed to be making a come back. I don’t know how much energy, attention or participation I’m going to have with that.

I have some other things that I’m working on but I’m really trying to get back to that Elgin who walked out of church and wanted to do, ministry for those that the church abused, hurt, forgot about, neglected or what ever way you want to describe it. That’s where I am today! I’m going back to my roots man, what I deem as Luke 4:18 ministry where Jesus quotes the passage in Isiah “…I’ve been anointed to preach the Gospel the good news…and free the captives” and when I look around my community I see so many damn captives. All the while I’m telling the Lord “I’m tired”. I have some beautiful, wonderful, magical things happening in my life right now. Building some wonderful things and I want to focus on them. I want to spend more of my attention narrowing down my focus man. I want to focus more on specific things and not be so all over the place with so many different things.

I’m tired. I’m not quitting. A lion doesn’t stop being the King of the Jungle. He doesn’t stop roaring, He doesn’t stop being on the hunt. He doesn’t stop defending. He doesn’t stop fighting. I’m sure many other great leaders like Malcolm, Marcus, Harriet, Ida, Martin and a host of others got to the point of being tired. They knew that they couldn’t afford to take time off. They couldn’t afford to quit. Because frankly the fight was depending on them.

I’m more focused on teaching. I want to educate and equip the soldiers. I don’t want to be on the front lines anymore. I’m not needed on the front line anymore. It’s time to raise up some younger brothers and sisters to take their position on the front line. So I’m tired! Just because I’m retiring to teach and equip others doesn’t mean I can’t fight no more. Don’t get it twisted now! But, your boy is tired! So this piece here is going to begin to be some of the footsteps on my new journey. Welcome to North 7th Street Ministry! This ministry is going to go back to that moment when I walked out of the church and desired to do ministry. That’s where I’m heading back to. I’m heading back to the streets to do the on the ground in the trenches ministry. Feeding and equipping people. My presences on social media is going to be cut back drastically. Big EL is going to still be around but, I have to be more focused. It’s amazing when God brings certain things into your life that are wonderful and magical those things will sharpen and hone your focus. I thank God for them. So I just want to tell everyone, YES your boy is tired. Not quitting. I’m still in the fight. There is still so much work to be done. I appreciate you guys for taking the time to reading what I’m saying. I appreciate every last one of you. I’m still around. Still work to be done. Till next time its your boy……. Big EL !!!!! #Blackfirst

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Author: BIG EL

Its your boy Elgin, Black Man, Follower of Jesus, Father, Brother, Activist, Blogger, Radio host......

4 thoughts on “Im Tired…..

  1. Proud of you big homie!! Do yo thang, and don’t second guess yourself or any decision you’ve made!! Love ya bruh!!

    -N8than

  2. It is a beautiful thing to watch someone you admire so much turn over a new leaf. I wish that I could express how proud I am of you. I pray that you enjoy your new journey! Lots of things in life have changed for you and much change is ahead. I pray that you take each curve with precision. I love you King!

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